


The One With The Tasmanian Devil

by jademark



Series: Given Prompts [21]
Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 01:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18906886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jademark/pseuds/jademark
Summary: "The cast from Friends finds out that Rachel is dating the Tasmanian Devil. Ross makes love with Disneyland and impregnates Fantasyland which gives birth to Chandler's creepy uncle Chandlor. Monica ignores this, seriously writing a paper about her version of Mass Effect with Heimlich from A Bug's Life"





	The One With The Tasmanian Devil

**Author's Note:**

> My sister gave me this prompt despite not having watched any episodes of Friends or being familiar with the characters... so enjoy
> 
> Also, I've never played Mass Effect before so I have yet to figure out the ending, but everyone knows that the inclusion of Heimlich the caterpillar would have fixed everything.
> 
> EDIT: I have finished the Mass Effect trilogy at this point and I absolutely agree that the ending needed Heimlich.

Rachel walked into Central Perk, joining her friends who were already seated on the furniture.

“Hey Rachel,” Monica said, glancing up at her.

“Hey, guys,” Rachel said, sitting down next to her and setting a shopping bag down on the floor, trying to conceal a smile.

“Well? How did the date go?”  
“It, uh… It went okay,” Rachel tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Well? Just okay?” Monica raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you have to tell us all about it. You still haven’t told us who’s the lucky guy,” Phoebe adds.

“Well… It really doesn’t matter, you know, it was a blind date. It’s one of those where I really have to think about whether I want to see him again. It was kind of bland, to be honest.”

“Well, you look radiant!” Monica said.

“Come on! Tell us the juicy details!” Phoebe said, leaning forward.

“Uh…” Rachel sighed. “His name’s Taz. He’s actually, uh, leaving the country tomorrow, back to his homeland so I don’t want to get too attached.”

“Taz,” Monica said.

“Sounds like it’s short for the Tasmanian Devil,” Phoebe said.

“That’s because it is,” Rachel said, her vocal intonation ending in an unnatural halt.

“Oh, okay,” Phoebe said, and went back to knitting her scarf.

“Wha…” Monica said.

“Like, he’s so fast, he’ll… sweep you off your feet!” Rachel laughed, nudging Monica. “That’s what his friends call him. It’s a shame he’s leaving, or I’d definitely see him again. Oh well.”

Monica raised an eyebrow, and then looked forward. “Okay. Well, considering your streak of bad luck with the last few guys you’ve gone out with, I’m just glad that this guy made you a little happier. That’s a shame, though.”

“Oh. Oh! Do you have a picture?” Phoebe said, waggling her eyebrows.

“Uh… No, I don’t,” Rachel said. “Ah, drat. I’ll just etch his good looks into my memory till he can visit again.”

Gunther, overhearing the conversation, called Rachel over to ask if she left her sweater behind from her last visit. When she got up, Monica rummaged through Rachel’s purse.

“Monica, what are you doing?”

“Rachel only acts likes this when she’s hiding something. Even if it’s small, I’ve got to get to the bottom of it.” Monica reaches for Rachel’s wallet and stops moving when she opens it.  
“What? What?” Phoebe says, craning her neck.

“Uh…” Monica says, snapping the wallet shut and meeting eye contact with Phoebe.

Rachel walks over and plops back onto the couch. “Well. What were we talking about? Oh, did you know about those new blueberry muffins they have now? They’re so good. Want me to get some for us?”

Monica’s expression didn’t shift from pale and startled.  
“What?” asked Rachel, looking between Phoebe and Monica.

“Nothing,” Monica said. “I just remembered I’m actually late for work. I’ll see you at the house,” she nodded at Rachel, slinging her purse over her shoulder. At the door, she gestured for Phoebe to follow her.

“Oh, I, uh, forgot something too. I forgot my dental appointment. Keep me posted,” Phoebe said to Rachel before getting up off the sofa and walking over to the doors.

“You just saw the dentist last week,” Rachel said.

“No, this is a follow-up appointment. I’ve got a cavity… canal,” Phoebe said. “It’s really important.”  

Rachel sat on the couch by herself.

Once they were some ways outside of Central Perk, Monica turned to Phoebe. “Rachel’s acting weird. Now, I’m piecing details together and I came to a weird conclusion, but you’re going to have to trust me.”

“Okay, what is it?” Phoebe asked.

“I think Rachel’s dating the Tasmanian Devil,” Monica said, burying her hands in her coat pockets.

“What?” Phoebe asked.

“That’s what I found inside her wallet. And a number on the back of the picture.”

“What… Monica, that doesn’t mean he’s real, or that Rachel’s dating him!”

“I know it sounds absurd, but it all adds up. And don’t underestimate how good I am at finding things out,” Monica sighs, her breath visible in the winter air. “It’s not _that_ that I have a problem with, it’s just the fact that Rachel’s been keeping things from us lately.”

“I hear you,” Phoebe said.

* * *

 

Rachel came home to her apartment to find Monica sitting at the table and Chandler on the couch. “Oh hey, guys,” she said, hanging up her coat.

“Hey, Rachel,” Monica said, her hands wrapped around a cup of tea.

“So, how was work?” Rachel asked.

“Uh… It was just work. Nothing particularly special about today.”

“Yeah?” Rachel asked.  
“Oh, how did it go with that guy Janice set you up with?” Chandler turned to Rachel.

“Oh, uh, it actually went well, yeah. But he’s leaving soon, so it was just a one-time thing.”  
“Huh,” Chandler said. “I guess that worked out. I was kind of scared, knowing Janice.”

“Well, she dated you, after all,” Monica said.

Chandler pretended to laugh.

“So, uh, you didn’t get his number? You’re not going to try to contact him while he’s over in… Where’s he going again?”

“Uh, Romania,” Rachel turned toward the stove, fixing another pot of tea.

“Romania… Are you sure it’s not somewhere else, like Tasmania?”

“Well, it doesn’t really matter anyway.”  
“Really?” Monica asked.

Chandler turned around, giving Monica a concerned glance.

“Uh, Monica?”

She shot him an angry look.

“Uh, nevermind, I’ll see myself out,” Chandler said, getting off the couch.

“Monica, you’ve been expressing a lot of interest in who I’m dating. Why does it matter so much to you?”  
“Well, to be honest, I think you’re hiding things from us,” Monica crossed her arms. “You’ve been kind of skittish and not like yourself lately and we’ve all been concerned.”  
“We?” Chandler asked.

“Chandler, you’re the one who said that Rachel hasn’t been acting like herself.”

“I… I…” Chandler gestured, trying to laugh it off. “No, I said Rachel hasn’t been acting like a _shelf_ because she’s quick-paced and getting stuff done and not just sitting around… Ah, nevermind.”

“What’s going on?” Rachel said, looking between them. “Okay, if I want to date someone without you guys knowing, I can, okay? There’s plenty of things you do without telling me. I don’t sit there expecting you to give me every little detail.”

“Oh yeah?”  
“Okay, fine, why don’t you describe every single detail of your last date with Richard?”

Joey walked into the apartment, followed by Phoebe. “Hey guys! What’s going on?”

“Ugh,” Monica sighed.

Joey opened the fridge and rummaged around.

“Joey, could you do that later?” Monica asked.

“Why, what’s wrong?” He turned around with his mouth full of something.

“Monica’s conducting a witch hunt about my life,” Rachel said.

“Oh, like how you’re dating the Tasmanian Devil?” Phoebe asked.

Silence followed, and heads turned toward Rachel, who stammered.

* * *

 

Ross would have been appalled by the news, but he wasn’t in New York. He was in Disneyland, after scheduling a vacation with Carol and Ben. Unfortunately, Carol and Ben couldn’t make it at the last minute, which left Ross standing alone in the middle of a crowded plaza in Frontierland, holding a map.

“Geez… When was the last time I visited Disneyland? I must have been about 7,” Ross muttered. “I barely remember what I liked about this place.” He wandered over to a bench and sat down, sighing. “If Carol and Ben can’t make it, it sure would be fun to at least have a girlfriend here,”

He thought about Rachel. “If I could only contact her… Nah,” he thought. “And it’s so loud, I don’t think I’d be able to hear anything on the other line anyway.”

Ross walked to Tomorrowland, thinking about how there were no exhibits featuring dinosaurs. There used to be one in Disneyworld, but this was Disneyland. What was he doing here all by himself, especially as a single grown man? This was going to be a lousy trip.

Thinking about Rachel gave him lots of feelings that he found unwanted, especially in a setting like this. He fought the urge to dial Rachel on his cell phone just to hear her voice. He thought about looking for someone to date here, but laughed it off.

“I can’t ignore it any longer. I’m weirdly really horny right now,” he thought hours later, clutching his map in his sweaty palm. It was growing dark, and crowds were dwindling away from the attractions towards the Fantasmic event. Unbeknownst to Ross, horny thoughts in Disneyland have a magical tendency to "impregnate" Disneyland. 

When Ross returned to New York, he stumbled upon Chandler in Monica and Rachel’s apartment, who was staring at a newspaper with a mildly horrified expression.

“Hey buddy, what’s wrong?” Ross asked.

“Ch… Chandlor’s back,” Chandler said, looking up at Ross.

“What?” Ross asked.

Chandler rolled up the newspaper and tossed it to Ross, who caught it. He unraveled it and read the front page, displaying a picture of a male silhouette floating in the air, encapsulated by light, near recognizable landmarks of Fantasyland. The article title read, “Disneyland Spawned Man.” The article identified the man as Chandlor Bing.

“Chandlor Bing… That’s your uncle,” Ross said.  
Chandler groaned, his face buried in his hands.

Ross sat down next to him. “Come on, this doesn’t mean he’ll find you,” Ross said.

“Uncle Chandlor always finds a way. He’s creepy like that,” Chandler said. “God, the thought of having to talk to him again makes my skin crawl.”

“Hey, if he ever somehow figures out how to contact you, I’ll screen for him and let him know you’re not around.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Chandler said.

* * *

 

“I can’t believe it,” Chandler told Monica later. “Guess who’s back?”

“Mhmmm,” Monica said, typing away on her laptop.

“Monica, I asked you a question,” Chandler said.

“Uh,” Monica glanced up from the screen that illuminated her face. “Yeah?”

“Uh,” Chandler hesitated for a second. “It’s just that someone really unpleasant is back in my life.”

“Janice?” Monica asked.

“No… Uncle Chandlor.”  
“But… How? You haven’t heard from him in years,” Monica said, continuing to type.

 “I thought you’d have a more shocked reaction, considering how creepy he is,” Chandler said. “You were really appalled the first time you heard about him.”

  
“Hmmm, well, I’m sure he won’t contact you, he doesn’t even know where you live now,” Monica said, glancing back at the screen, her fingers flying across the keyboard.

Chandler paused. “What are you writing?”

  
“A paper,” Monica said. “It’s a criticism on Mass Effect.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize you were taking classes.”

“I’m not. It’s just for fun. I really need to let people know how I really wanted it to go. I hated that ending.”

“Now is Mass Effect the one where…”

“You know what they should have done?” Monica indignantly glanced up at Chandler, her hands still typing. “They missed a huge element. Heimlich the caterpillar.”

“Uh, come again?”

“Ughhhh,” Monica sighed. “It takes too long to explain. But I’m telling you, if they actually put him in there, it would have fixed a huge plot point.”

Chandler stared at the ground while Monica clacked away at the keyboard.


End file.
